Still painting flowers for you

Show my cards,
Gave you my heart,
Wish we could start all over.
Nothing's makin' sense at all.
Tried to open up my eyes,
I'm hopin' for a chance to make it alright.

I feel like a loser for stirring so much shit in myself over photos i saw on fb. Browsing through fb is like treading in precarious territory yknow? I know i'm bound to find stuff that'll tear up old wounds. But still curiosity is too overwhelming for any form of resistance. And so they say curiosity kills the cat.

I still think bout us once in awhile. Sound like a deranged bitch to be talking bout something i passed up, but i've always wanted to know, if you still think bout us? And when you do, are those happy thoughts? Albeit, its a bit pointless to know anyway, but something tugs at the strings still.. I meant everything when i promised us the best, did you? Used to think that we'll work things out the right way indefinitely, especially when i lost you once. But alas, my jealousy and childishness stood in the way. Thinking back, i hate the way we ended things. I have a tendency to run away from problems stemming from things that mean a lot to me. Guess in a way i am a coward. I am afraid of failing to resolve the problem and ultimately losing that something that meant so much, because i can't deal with setbacks for nuts. I just..block them out of my mind. Sub-consciously shoving them under the blankets so that i can actually try to get on with my life. So that at least, i can fake a normal facade to myself. I feel a pang of guilt..and then hurt and regret whenever i see couples together. It reminds me of us, and my selfish decision to give it all up and not work things out, and then regretting the hell out of myself. I never told anyone bout the regret immediately, only after so long when nothing is to be salvaged i asked peiyun, weixin and geraldine once. Weixin told me that if i ever decided to piece things back together again, i must be sure i miss him, and not just the memories. If i was truly over all that, i wouldn't have racing heartbeats whenever i see you. I wouldn't feel that if i was in the same space as you for any longer you might actually punch me in the face for being a total jerk to you. I wouldn't have to work the whole mentally-blocking-out-guilt-and-memories over and over again. Well, at the least you have awesome friends around you. At least from what i see, you are..happy. I don't know what to do with myself when times like this prove that i'm in a greater emotional wreckage than i think i am. How do i pick myself up? How do i start to actually try letting go of us? How do i stop beating myself over the decision i made? How do i stop...picturing life if i still had you..? Have always hoped that if i sub-consciously block things out long enough, i'll ultimately forget them. But no, you never forget. Sure, things get hazy and they tend to be harder to recall, but you never will be able to forget. I wonder if i ever made you feel like the happiest boy on earth? I wonder if i ever did something that touched you genuinely? Have you looked at me before, eyes filed with love, picturing the next tens and tens of years that i'll still be holding your hand? Haha well if i don't sound deranged before, i'm pretty sure i do now. So many fights could have been avoided if i were more understanding. If i truly told you how i felt instead of just tahan and tahan. If i could just turn off my overbearing temper and give you a tight hug. If i could let down my ego and not risk what we had. If i wasn't bent on being right all the time... pushing the envelopes of your tolerance just cause i want to see you getting mad and stop being so patient with me. If i wasn't such a jerk and took you for granted. Like they say, what hurts the most isn't the actual incident. It's the infinite if-s and could-haves that you know would have probably took place if you bit your tongue. Don't know what else to do. Maybe after all that is said, mental blockage and avoidance is the best.

If nothing is true,
What more can I do?
I am still painting flowers for you.

This is probably the one and only honest post bout how i truly feel.

Denial? Hell yeah.