NULL

I am upset. Mostly stress, but mainly upset.

What went wrong?

BALLS. Exercise balls.

I say the most inappropriate things at the worst timings.

Me at the gym, to the gym manager: Wa why are your balls* so shiny? Do you guys polish them?

*- EXERCISE ball

Gym manager: Huh?

Me: EXERCISE BALLS. This one. The bouncy one. The...okay you know what just shoot me.

To be fair it was pushing 10pm and I have not been sleeping enough for the entire week due to work. But alas...the words... 😂

DEFENSE

Defense mechanisms - everyone has them. It can be enacted in almost any circumstance, but the binding factor would always be to protect one's ego. I used to be very indecisive about what my own defense mechanism was - which ranges from a conceited, holier-than-thou thought of "I don't think I have one leh.", to a I-should-be-banished-to-hell-for-even-coming-up-with-something-like-that.

In light of recent events, I think I might have finally settled on what my defense mechanism is. It is, to the best of my abilities, the English language. 

An English major I am definitely not - but my first line of defence in any potentially ego-hurting situation is to revert to the English language and state my point (maybe throw in a little passive-aggressiveness while I'm at it) across, while using as many cheem English words as possible. This is to ensure that I sufficiently coat my point in a thick layer of caustic sarcasm before I proceed to show the other party up.

This might prove to be slightly deceitful, especially when I'm a huge supporter proper communication. But hey... A girl's gotta have her petty moments once in awhile.

I was this *barely placing my thumb and index finger together* close to using ad nauseam to reiterate my point in a recent disagreement of sorts, but have decided against it since I've already used "prosaic". Just imagine the amount of passive aggressiveness and shade that I was throwing whilst getting my point across.

The point of this post is for me to own up to my own defense mechanism, and to relinquish any residual pettiness that I might still harbour within me. 

Annnnd...I think I'm done for the day.

OUTLET MALL

Me @7.30pm: 

*googling directions to a premium outlet mall in Tokyo* *scrolling through the store directory whilst trying not to drool*

Will it be too much to drag him out for shopping? To be fair, you can see Mt. Fuji really clearly from the outlet mall too. So........ *twiddles thumb*

Also me, 2 hours later: 

"Do you want to spend half a day* at a premium outlet mall? They have a ton of sports shops** too. Adidas, nike, reebok, puma...you name it."

*conveniently makes the duration an estimate and very vague

**conveniently leaves out the other 200 girl shops that are listed in the directory

BUT to be fair, Mt. Fuji doe. You can really see the mountain clearly from the outlet mall from all the pictures I've been browsing through. Hehe.

MYSELF

Who else still reads this space anymore? 

I've contemplated about deleting the blog some time back, but I just couldn't get around to doing it. For years, it has been an online platform for me to document my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences. Through my many ups and downs, this blog has always been the saving grace of some of the happiest and saddest times of my life.

I've fallen off the writing wagon for awhile now, especially since I've started working. I no longer look forward to recording down the things that make me happy, and would only turn to this space in times of frustration and sadness. I was browsing through my last few posts when I realised that for awhile now, I haven't been truly honest, or happy, with myself.

In fact, I'm starting to not like the Mei Shan today very much. I don't know when, or how, but I've seemed to lost myself along the way. It might be because of this new relationship, or how the inner circle of my life has shifted who knows when, but I feel like I've lost my way in life somehow. I've lost my sense of independence, my control over my own emotions and happiness, and most importantly, my pride. I've lost what it means to be Me.

I've allowed something unplanned to take over my thoughts and emotions, allowing it to dictate how I act and how I feel, and making me feel like my sense of self - my worth - is dependent on it's very outcome. I've tried talking about it - I did, but it's to no avail. I always end up making excuses or hiding the way I truly fail. Truth is, I feel ashamed for letting it take over my life the way it did.

It has nothing to do with its progression, or its status, or anything. It has everything to do with how I have been handling things. Those hours spent thinking about the possible outcomes of something and analysing things to their microscopic form, hours spent worrying about the outcomes of things I cannot control, hours googling "how to deal with xxx" because apparently, I've lost the ability to deal with my own feelings and emotions...hours upon hours, lost. Those times where I could have done something for myself or people around me, but instead, I've wasted it over something that I've allowed to completely take over my life. Lost. I've lost all those time and I've lost my sense of self.

I'm not sure if I have ever felt this way but I am truly, truly, disappointed and upset at myself. And that is probably the root to all that I've been feeling.

I'm not sure how to move on from here, or how to pick myself up, but I guess writing in a neglected space for one - would be a start.