MYSELF

Who else still reads this space anymore? 

I've contemplated about deleting the blog some time back, but I just couldn't get around to doing it. For years, it has been an online platform for me to document my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences. Through my many ups and downs, this blog has always been the saving grace of some of the happiest and saddest times of my life.

I've fallen off the writing wagon for awhile now, especially since I've started working. I no longer look forward to recording down the things that make me happy, and would only turn to this space in times of frustration and sadness. I was browsing through my last few posts when I realised that for awhile now, I haven't been truly honest, or happy, with myself.

In fact, I'm starting to not like the Mei Shan today very much. I don't know when, or how, but I've seemed to lost myself along the way. It might be because of this new relationship, or how the inner circle of my life has shifted who knows when, but I feel like I've lost my way in life somehow. I've lost my sense of independence, my control over my own emotions and happiness, and most importantly, my pride. I've lost what it means to be Me.

I've allowed something unplanned to take over my thoughts and emotions, allowing it to dictate how I act and how I feel, and making me feel like my sense of self - my worth - is dependent on it's very outcome. I've tried talking about it - I did, but it's to no avail. I always end up making excuses or hiding the way I truly fail. Truth is, I feel ashamed for letting it take over my life the way it did.

It has nothing to do with its progression, or its status, or anything. It has everything to do with how I have been handling things. Those hours spent thinking about the possible outcomes of something and analysing things to their microscopic form, hours spent worrying about the outcomes of things I cannot control, hours googling "how to deal with xxx" because apparently, I've lost the ability to deal with my own feelings and emotions...hours upon hours, lost. Those times where I could have done something for myself or people around me, but instead, I've wasted it over something that I've allowed to completely take over my life. Lost. I've lost all those time and I've lost my sense of self.

I'm not sure if I have ever felt this way but I am truly, truly, disappointed and upset at myself. And that is probably the root to all that I've been feeling.

I'm not sure how to move on from here, or how to pick myself up, but I guess writing in a neglected space for one - would be a start.