OVER

"It's not fair to act like people let you down if you never told them what you wanted."

Something I saw on Cougar Town a little while back which sparked a whole train of overly thought thoughts. Because if anything would be my niche, it would be over thinking things.

As much as I would like to agree with the quote, I feel like a hypocrite doing so because I am acting exactly like that. Being all disappointed and secretly angry at someone who has absolutely no idea that I am. Or why I am. On nights when I feel guilty doing so, I get this mysterious surge of...courage and plan out all the things I am going to do right by once I wake up. Like take the initiative, be positive about the issue at hand,  put in effort to make changes, etc. But somewhere along the way, life takes over, feelings take over, reactions take over, loyalty takes over, other people's opinions take over...and I revert back to my original stand of staying secretly unhappy.

And the thing is - I'm not even the kind who stays mad at the same issue for forever! Mainly because 1) My memory just doesn't provide that kind of mileage, lol and 2) I have mastered the skill of out of sight, out of mind. Seriously, if the issue doesn't get mentioned for a long enough time and we have talked about other stuff enough, I will forget about it.  Or at least lower the significance of it to that of a differing opinion about... vanilla or chocolate. To which the choice would not matter because they are both equally delicious.

However, the issue of other people's opinions and loyalty takes over. Do I stand by my opinion because it would be loyal to do so, or should I persevere on with my whole...leave it alone long enough and things will normalize eventually thing?

But of course, this is all built on the premise that when I eventually do take the step forward to mend things, the other party would reciprocate and things will go back to it's original stance. That would be the most ideal outcome. But how often does a premise built on idealism end well? Sigh.

I'm not saying that I'm being forced to stay in the predicament that I am in right now. I'm not. I do feel a sense of indignation. But I am also starting to feel exhausted over feeling resentful - mostly because a copious amount of pretense is involved - and I am just wondering if the correct way out is to mend things? And would I be disloyal if I do so? And if things would work out the way I want it to?

I wish I could hold a poll and have a diverse plate of opinions so that I can work this conundrum out. Kinda like when Ted was holding his field trip with his students which eventually morphed into a very diverse mix of people that follows him around town which Barney and him used to settle differing opinions about things. And, I digress. I've only talked to two people about it and all I've gotten back was that it isn't worth the effort.

The thing is, these two opinions should be enough for me to make up my mind because I've consulted them about a million other things and have always came to a clear outcome but somehow... I feel that they might be biased this time round. Either that or they are truly seeing reality as it is and I am the idiot who refuses to put away her glasses doused in idealism.

But like I said, how often does a premise built on idealism end well? Realistically speaking, I'm probably the only one feeling this way while everyone has already moved on and re-calibrated their social focus while I'm just hell bent stuck on making something change because I've pondered about this option for the longest time and am now, feeling a little regretful (and a little encumbered) by the consequences of putting things on the back burner for way too long. Simply put, what makes me think that the other party even wants things to revert back to before? Maybe things are better now for them. Then what?

Sigh. I'm stuck in a real pickle, huh. And funny thing is, I probably sought this pickle out myself and choose to stay in there.

I know, I know. This whole post is just a whole lot of indecisiveness and back and forth and doubting and counter doubting all rolled into one with no concrete stand and outcome. What can I say, over thinking is my niche? Ha ha. And, look! My ending paragraph worked out better than I expected.

It probably wouldn't get worked out in the foreseeable future, but at least this chunk of word vomit got it out of my system for the time being.

Sigh.

xx