Y SO DIFFICULT ONE

University economics really last warning. So confusing with a million fucking lines HOW TO DRAW LAH CCB

ARGH

Real

Went out for a dinner date with ger last night. Before that, we were semi-rotting at her house cause she was transferring a ton of shows into my hard drive. (Yes, yes, I finally got round to getting one.)

Was watching a ton of random variety shows on her computer before we decided to drag our hungry asses out for dinner when I realized she has something called "realplayer".......*mentally preparing to get laughed at*.

Ya la I bu zhi dao shen me shi realplayer okay. I just use whatever program the video opens up with...?

Haha xia suay maximum. But I just downloaded it and it seems like I can also download youtube videos/other videos with realplayer.........?

I am enlightened.

Dreading to do my pbf homework but I guess the time's here.......:( Sian

Lucky

I think I've used up all my luck for this year in just one day. Last Friday. Serious.

Waking up at 5.30am isn't really something my body is accustomed to, and so I was in a tired-like-hell-brain-on-screensaver-mode throughout maths lecture. I was fiddling with my phone throughout the lecture so I really have no idea how the following event happened but....

I lost my phone.

I was walking to the bus stop when I realised this, so I bolted back to the lecture theater trying to recover my lost phone. ( I left class <10minutes ago only leh!) But alas, it wasn't there anymore!! :( Knowing I have the tendency to think I've lost something when actually I just left it in some forgotten corner of my bag, I decided to ransack my bag in hopes of finding my phone there. BUT NO. Its not there.

I really, really lost my phone for good.

To be honest I wasn't exactly...as sad/worried/panicky at losing my phone as I thought I would be. I kept thinking that it was a sign for me to change my phone to an iphone. Serious. Especially when I board the bus to my grandma's place, the girl sitting in front of me was fiddling with her iphone. I was like "YES THIS IS A SIGN!!!" Lol I know lah a bit delusional.

But when I got to my grandma's place (at god forsaken Bukit Panjang),I still had to give it one last shot and call my own phone, in hopes of finding it.

*ring ring ringggg*
Male: Hello?

WHOA SOME DUDE JUST ANSWERED MY CALL!

And the following event was just...miraculously lucky. I asked him where he was, so I could find him and take back my phone. I really dreaded the thought of him still being in school cause I just came from there :( But turns out, he was at BUKIT PANJANG PLAZA. How fucking coincidental!!!!! That is like 10mins away from my grandma's place okay. Fucking ridiculously coincidental I swear.

So I arranged to meet him at starbucks, cabbed down, and took back my phone. Haha. He was a really nice dude! He went to call the first person in my inbox (which was Emerle) hoping that she can help me! So nice right. I should have asked for his name or something but I was too ecstatic at finding my phone (and just amazed at my luck) that I just kept saying "Thank you thank you thank youuuuu!!!!"

SHEER LUCK I TELL YOU, SHEER LUCK.
But my luck in the directions department still suck balls. Haha.

I was waiting for buses to go back to my grandma's place at the wrong bus stop for approximately 10mins when I realized it was the wrong bus stop. Then, I decided to walk to the next bus stop (which I assumed was the right one) and wasted another 5mins there before realizing it was the wrong one too. So I walked to the following bus stop (walked 3 bus stops' distance already) only to find it was also the wrong one. I am really freaking stupid. I was obviously on the wrong bus route. So like if the first bus stop is the wrong one, the following ones on the wrong bus route wouldn't be the right one, right? But I was too stupid overwhelmed with happiness to notice that.

And so at the 3rd bus stop, there was an LRT station beside it. Decided to ditch the bus and take a train back instead. But...okay. I cannot figure out which direction to take. *ashamed* But in my defense it's not because I suck at navigating okay!! The arrows for both directions are all pointing towards the same terminus! So like, huh??? Meaning there is no opposite direction for the trains?? I don't understand so I just went up take the train on my right.

But hey hey hey! It turned out to be the correct one! Looks like I still had a little bit of luck left in me that day. :)

So interesting event of the week: How I lost and recovered my phone in the most miraculous way ever. Lol.

On a side note...I am feeling heaps and leaps better than before. When I was phone-less, all of a sudden, nothing that was bothering me for that week seemed to matter anymore.

That feels awesome. :)

Flashbacks

Through texts and phone calls, I finally feel slightly better. Just slightly.

I was starting to think that I really could forget everything and move on, until I was rudely reminded that all I am good at, is being an ostrich. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of mind for so long that I start to believe that I truly got over the scars and haunting memories of failed relationships, failed friendships. No Meishan, you haven't really put it all behind you yet.

Politeness, honesty and the value of the friendship. Which one outweighs which? Would you put honestly above all and tell the harsh truth, believing that the value of the friendship (or lack thereof) would cushion it? Or would you rather kick it all under the blanket of facade, acting like you're fine for the sake of...being polite? Did the value of our friendship not warrant the least bit of honesty from you? Even if it means salvaging the friendship? Well..apparently not.

Or was it my fault? That I am just one hell of a competitive bitch to the point of hatred and you not wanting to be around me? Or is this karma? For ditching friendships I weren't comfortable with. For refusing to befriend someone I deem to be harmful to me?

I've been through this thought process many times. Too many. Sometimes giving up halfway and forcing myself to think of other things because the bare truth is just too much to bear. Sometimes ending up confused and doubtful, because even if I tell myself something million times, I wouldn't believe it as much as if someone else told me instead.

I've stopped confiding, stopped opening up to topics as comfortably and frequently as I would like to. You want to know why? Because I'm sick of unknowingly stepping on your land mines. Touching on topics/doing things deemed as "restricted" in your eyes. I'm sick of being myself, only to learn that "myself" isn't what the friendship is looking for. Only to find that I'm as insignificant as the rock by the sidewalk that you don't think I deserve a heads-up for an impending break up somewhere down the road.

Someone told me to reflect, to think about things I might want to change about myself. What I would like to improve on.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Some people are brutally honest. They don't do sugarcoating. They just serve it up raw and untouched, into your fucking face. While most people find it hurtful, does this mean that they must stop being as brutally honest? Does it mean that they must sugarcoat everything they want to say? Sure, they could. For the sake of being more...socially acceptable. To make it easier to socialize with people cause they don't offend people with the first sentence of what they say. But ultimately, you cannot expect them to change their character.

So, who do they go to when their innermost self wants to say something brutally honest? Something unrefined and raw? Who do they go to?
Or are they forced to mask their truest words for the rest of their lives?

That is how I feel. I don't disagree with reflecting and changing if your ingrained character is something hideous. Like say....badmouthing. Lying. Being a third party. Laziness. Not being studious. Those are things you SHOULD change. Like entirely remove that segment from your character database. You should. No way around it.

But how about something...double-edged? Like being brutally honest. 1) You are honest. But 2) You may hurt people's feelings in the process. Or, being competitive? 1) You just want to better yourself. But 2) You may hurt people's feelings in the process.

Wanting to be the best spurs self-motivation. To work very hard towards what you want. This is entirely different from spurring self-motivation alongside ignoring your core values and morals to ruthlessly attain your goal despite the amount of people you have sabotage.

How do you tell an athlete to stop being so competitive? Cause it hurts the runner ups' feelings?

I can conform to being...adequately competitive. Like enough to motivate yourself, but not overboard till it makes people feel lousy about themselves. But to entirely remove that from my character? I don't even think it's possible.

Maybe like what G said. I cannot please everyone so...for people who expect me to change myself entirely for them...don't bother.

So issue #1 aside, what's up with being childish online? What's up with being a bitter bitch about it and advocating your thoughts on a mother public domain? What's with spreading a story in which you were in the wrong?

So maybe I've...scaled down the impact she made on me. So maybe I still stalk her. Come on, everyone stalks their "enemy" (I feel so childish saying that). Everyone does that. There's this unspoken "competition" that you want to do better than someone you dislike. Or maybe it's just me.

How do you deal with childish ignorant people?????

Sigh. Maybe like what P said, don't set up a platform for myself to get hurt.

Definitely no gains in that. But. Sigh....need to fight the urge off stalking my enemy. It's almost like a bittersweet thing. Bitter when you realize she's bitching about you and sweet when you realize she's being a total bitch but bitter again when you realize her bitchy friends are actually responding to her rants. But then again...new found friends are often eager to please each other. So whatever goes I guess. Like "Heyyya I'll gladly jump blindly onto your bandwagon of hate cause I want to fit in!" >>> to be spoken aloud in a slightly rhythmic-retarded voice.

Sigh.

I really do need to grow stronger mentally.

T: This world is endless to everything.. You just need to filter and know what is best for you.

I really, really need to grow stronger mentally. Or express my emotions more frequently to avoid too much negative thoughts erupting all at once towards a certain small, insignificant matter and end up in a pool of tears over a midnight phone call.

Haha. My pride's just too important. Or at least I need to start valuing my pride as important as it should be so that I don't give a shit about insignificant people.

Long long rant. If you bother to read till the end and is confused about what I'm talking about, in short....JC drama that is long overdue.

Laugh?

My Econs lecturer is a total joker.

Random student: Why can't we use the extra money saved from X and use it to buy Y?
Teacher: Okay I get what you mean. That is called, your choice.

YOUR CHOICE.

Hahaha anyone else finds this funny?

Lol make the student sound so stupid.

And time passes really fast man. It's already nearing the end of the second week since I've started university. Still feels weird saying that I'm a uni student. I'm still in the mode of...pseudo-current JC student on a vacation. Dazed but not confused. I guess that's the only thing that is different. Different is good. Too much of a routine can be paralyzing to my social skills.

Which still suck balls by the way.

In crowded places I still stare at my phone pretending to text someone but all I actually type is a grocery list for my next trip to NTUC. Or watsons. Or just randomly type words and phrases.

University's a pretty...a pretty... a pretty interesting place to be in. Let's leave it at that for now.

Oh and out of boredom I went to take a look at allkpop just now. Apparently SNSD's jesicca's fans sent her a rice wreath to congratulate her for her drama thing-y (??).

A rice wreath with 10kg worth of rice.

If I were her fan, I would send her a O2 wreath. Don't know what O2 is? It's an oxygen wreath. Cause that's all they eat to stay so skinny.

LOL. Send her rice like she's going to eat it.

xxx