Flashbacks

Through texts and phone calls, I finally feel slightly better. Just slightly.

I was starting to think that I really could forget everything and move on, until I was rudely reminded that all I am good at, is being an ostrich. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of mind for so long that I start to believe that I truly got over the scars and haunting memories of failed relationships, failed friendships. No Meishan, you haven't really put it all behind you yet.

Politeness, honesty and the value of the friendship. Which one outweighs which? Would you put honestly above all and tell the harsh truth, believing that the value of the friendship (or lack thereof) would cushion it? Or would you rather kick it all under the blanket of facade, acting like you're fine for the sake of...being polite? Did the value of our friendship not warrant the least bit of honesty from you? Even if it means salvaging the friendship? Well..apparently not.

Or was it my fault? That I am just one hell of a competitive bitch to the point of hatred and you not wanting to be around me? Or is this karma? For ditching friendships I weren't comfortable with. For refusing to befriend someone I deem to be harmful to me?

I've been through this thought process many times. Too many. Sometimes giving up halfway and forcing myself to think of other things because the bare truth is just too much to bear. Sometimes ending up confused and doubtful, because even if I tell myself something million times, I wouldn't believe it as much as if someone else told me instead.

I've stopped confiding, stopped opening up to topics as comfortably and frequently as I would like to. You want to know why? Because I'm sick of unknowingly stepping on your land mines. Touching on topics/doing things deemed as "restricted" in your eyes. I'm sick of being myself, only to learn that "myself" isn't what the friendship is looking for. Only to find that I'm as insignificant as the rock by the sidewalk that you don't think I deserve a heads-up for an impending break up somewhere down the road.

Someone told me to reflect, to think about things I might want to change about myself. What I would like to improve on.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Some people are brutally honest. They don't do sugarcoating. They just serve it up raw and untouched, into your fucking face. While most people find it hurtful, does this mean that they must stop being as brutally honest? Does it mean that they must sugarcoat everything they want to say? Sure, they could. For the sake of being more...socially acceptable. To make it easier to socialize with people cause they don't offend people with the first sentence of what they say. But ultimately, you cannot expect them to change their character.

So, who do they go to when their innermost self wants to say something brutally honest? Something unrefined and raw? Who do they go to?
Or are they forced to mask their truest words for the rest of their lives?

That is how I feel. I don't disagree with reflecting and changing if your ingrained character is something hideous. Like say....badmouthing. Lying. Being a third party. Laziness. Not being studious. Those are things you SHOULD change. Like entirely remove that segment from your character database. You should. No way around it.

But how about something...double-edged? Like being brutally honest. 1) You are honest. But 2) You may hurt people's feelings in the process. Or, being competitive? 1) You just want to better yourself. But 2) You may hurt people's feelings in the process.

Wanting to be the best spurs self-motivation. To work very hard towards what you want. This is entirely different from spurring self-motivation alongside ignoring your core values and morals to ruthlessly attain your goal despite the amount of people you have sabotage.

How do you tell an athlete to stop being so competitive? Cause it hurts the runner ups' feelings?

I can conform to being...adequately competitive. Like enough to motivate yourself, but not overboard till it makes people feel lousy about themselves. But to entirely remove that from my character? I don't even think it's possible.

Maybe like what G said. I cannot please everyone so...for people who expect me to change myself entirely for them...don't bother.

So issue #1 aside, what's up with being childish online? What's up with being a bitter bitch about it and advocating your thoughts on a mother public domain? What's with spreading a story in which you were in the wrong?

So maybe I've...scaled down the impact she made on me. So maybe I still stalk her. Come on, everyone stalks their "enemy" (I feel so childish saying that). Everyone does that. There's this unspoken "competition" that you want to do better than someone you dislike. Or maybe it's just me.

How do you deal with childish ignorant people?????

Sigh. Maybe like what P said, don't set up a platform for myself to get hurt.

Definitely no gains in that. But. Sigh....need to fight the urge off stalking my enemy. It's almost like a bittersweet thing. Bitter when you realize she's bitching about you and sweet when you realize she's being a total bitch but bitter again when you realize her bitchy friends are actually responding to her rants. But then again...new found friends are often eager to please each other. So whatever goes I guess. Like "Heyyya I'll gladly jump blindly onto your bandwagon of hate cause I want to fit in!" >>> to be spoken aloud in a slightly rhythmic-retarded voice.

Sigh.

I really do need to grow stronger mentally.

T: This world is endless to everything.. You just need to filter and know what is best for you.

I really, really need to grow stronger mentally. Or express my emotions more frequently to avoid too much negative thoughts erupting all at once towards a certain small, insignificant matter and end up in a pool of tears over a midnight phone call.

Haha. My pride's just too important. Or at least I need to start valuing my pride as important as it should be so that I don't give a shit about insignificant people.

Long long rant. If you bother to read till the end and is confused about what I'm talking about, in short....JC drama that is long overdue.