Promise to self: Pour out your sadness depression disappointments into this post, post it, and not think bout it already. Ok? Okay, we're good then.

I'm not good at handling stress. I admit that. It's the one thing i am so afraid of (apart from frogs and failures altogether), and because of the fear, i don't know how to deal with this stress thing well. And when i'm all stressed out, my mind goes into this whirlwind of negative thoughts and i just shut my brain off. Things that i'm usually good at bubbles away at lightning speed and things that i'm desperately trying to be good at just seems like....impossible to achieve. And then, i'm afraid of failures. Yes, i am my biggest competitor and i cannot afford to lose out. There, i said it. My ego's big like this. Not in everything, but especially studies. I refuse to accept that I've failed for a certain subject and i beat myself up so badly over it. The failure and stress thing just chews away my confidence and happy thoughts and whats not altogether. My stomach becomes empty, my hands become clammy, my gut feels twisted and i just feel like a total train-wreck. It's at least 100 times worser than having my heart broken by some jerk ok. Okay, maybe not but you get the point huh. Times like this i wish that i wasn't allergic to alcohol, cause a cold can of beer would certainly help quench away all the insecurities and fears. Times like this i wish i would somehow, let down my ego and bawl my eyes out in front of my mom, and maybe i would receive some sorta motherly-comfort. Times like this i wish my friends would call me out, comfort me, cheer me up, tell me that everything will be ok (even though most of the time nothing ever gets better). Times like this i wish you were there to see my break down and be at my most vulnerable state, and then a tight hug would suffice. I feel so damn fucking dejected and down and like......argh at an all time low. Seriously man i've never felt like this before. Wendy said, "在学校的打击就留在学校". I am really trying to do this yknow, but i really cannot help it. I just feel like sinking into my dreams and never waking up. You know? Like...dying. Except that i don't wanna get caned when i actually do commit suicide. Or have people mocking me at my funeral with comments like "Alamak so stupid die cause of studies stress". Or have my loved ones crying their hearts out cause of how foolish my actions were. HAIZ see!?!? Want to die also have to consider so much. So how meishan how??? Are you going to pick yourself up or continue to sink into ultimate depression?? Time to stick to your goals man i swear. No more procastination and complacency and whats not. No more whining bout this and that and just leave things to rot without doing concrete actions. TIME TO STEP THE GAME UP BABE. Cmon!!!!! You can do it. Right? Fuck yeah it may be the damn hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. But you are not alone. Right? Haiz dispel all negative thoughts meishan dispel dispel dispel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop wallowing in self pity and fucking get your mind straightened. OK?????

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and not like seeing my baby kissing some older lady on mnet scandal helps :( Almost cried ok!!! :( Now i know how peipei feels, stupid korean shows :(

OKAY MEISHAN POST THIS AND NOT FEEL SAD ANYMORE!! TRY AND SMILE SINCERELY AND GENUINELY THIS TIME OK??? CMON YOU CAN DO IT JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOUUUU

Trust.

If you believe in something as much as you believe that bad things will always happen, you'll find it.

Happiness.

-Ghost Whisperer

Heard this on ghost whisperer yesterday. Bout how this lady eventually screwed her marriage up cause of her..unnecessary suspicions.

"I always knew where he was when i called, i knew it with all my heart but i just refused to believe."

"You know the irony? I never trusted my husband, never. Even i knew he stayed faithful all these while."

Sad, right? It's so easier to trust your friends, cause maybe sub-consciously, you know that if things doesn't work out, you can always find new ones. Of course, given the fact that friends can be made aplenty anywhere else. And when it comes to true friends, it's also easier to trust them with your life, simply because you've been through thick and thin with them since puberty, and they know you inside out. You know that they will be there for you, no mater what.

But when it comes to trusting someone whom you'll be giving your heart up for safe-keep, it's scary, isn't it? The fear of having your heart ripped apart when the day comes when you realise the person doesn't feel the same way as he did for you before. That's one less deciding factor in friendship i guess, cause friends don't really change the way they feel for friends...do they?

Maybe because the kind of love given is different in a friendship, thats why so much of it can be devoted and given, without fearing if anything fails along the way. Cause the love required and accepted, is different. Hmmm, quite a tough concept to wrap your head around it huh. Ya, but loving someone wholeheartedly, it takes a hell lot of courage. No wonder they say, it's always easier if your partner loves you more than you do. So at the very least, when everything is burnt to ashes, you wouldn't be hurt as bad. Yeah?

Trust can be so easy between friends, but so difficult when it comes to someone you're gonna spend your whole life with. How many couples out there can actually swear by their hearts that they trust their spouses entirely? That they've never doubted them committing infidelity throughout their years spent together? If there was really a whole hearted trust present, gone would be the insecurities and doubts, the tears and the fears altogether.

So when it really boils down to trusting someone wholeheartedly, there really isn't no one else except for your family huh? But then again, there are always exceptions, given the amount of domestic violence and what not. If there isn't full trust in something as pristine and esteemed, is there even the possibility of devoting one's full trust elsewhere?

What a cynical post, mocking the very essence of mankind. To trust, or not to trust? If trust, to what extent? If not, what's the point in building relationships anyway?

Looks like I've contradicted the main reason of this post. Digression, tsk.

Maybe if i believe that good things will happen in real life as much as in the lifeless TV screen, they will actually start to happen. Maybe if i stopped doubting the possibility of idealistic stories of fairy tales and Korean dramas happening in real life, dispelling thoughts that they are just the thoughts of a very altruistic person who decides to fill this void called "happiness" in people's lives (ah, there i go again, digressing).

Perhaps ghost whisperer says it best somehow, "If you believe in something as much as you believe that bad things will always happen, you'll find it. Happiness."

How can someone look so.........wow even in the ugliest positions?

Hehehehe thats my baby for you. A girl can indulge, right? RIGHT???????? So don't discriminate >:(

Pres says that i have no taste and that alex is better. Aiya whatever, since when do i care bout others' opinions on ppl i think are hot anyway. Hahahaha to mgfs: Rmbr papaya???? Hahahaha and to jojo: Rmbr X-man?????

Aishhh but this one!!! Really is!!! *faints from blood rush and nearly hyperventilating*

Baby's feeding me kimchi now. Song boh

Spaced out completely when i was on the bus just now. Was in a daze for quite awhile after i snapped back to get off the bus. It's almost as though i don't know what i'm doing but my mind seems to take control of itself.....err anyone get it? Ok i doubt not.

Long bus rides alone are very comforting.

Just mumbled to myself "wa ma na zai yi teh gong simi" when i realise top's big bang documentary doesn't have english subs.

My cousin is the cutest ever, her chinese compo : 我在食堂看到我最爱吃的鸟饭

Haha bird rice. I laughed out when i was marking her compo. Like bad hor but this is just too funny. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Travelling, anyone? :(

Today is the end of SA2.

WHOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Damn shiok no one can comprehend the kinda emotional roller coaster each jc SA puts you through. Heart muscles weakened by a thousandfold at least.

What i completed right after SA2:

-Shopped at 313 (yay to new clothes) with japh

-Met becky for sushi yumz tumz

-Met my fave boys on earth for some catching up

Song boh.

What to do tmr:

Haha ya thats what i plan to do for the whole of tmr. Watch hk drama over at girlf's place with homecooked meal (i cook la the lazy pig don't wanna eat cup noodles hehe), loads of big bang youtube videos (top~~ jiyong~~), http://www.fuckyeahhongki.tumblr.com/ (!!!), lots of jctty (LOL) and facial masks to pamper any residual stress outta me.

Epic moment with bel just now at my void deck.

Bel: *stands up to adjust his shorts*

Me: Whaseh today why so special wear underwear only

Bel: *unzips pants* *pants fall to knees* *reveals boxers*

Me: .....

Haha pres said "You tell her can alr what what for you show" and abel replied "must prove to her ma".

Lol prove my ass abel is funny guy of the night. Disturbed girlf when i was on the phone with her like e.g. "i miss you leh" "why she nv say i miss you", and then followed by asking "have i seen her before?"

HAHA that's abel for you.

Tmr will be a very slack day before heading off to tuition at hougang again. But then, somethings got obligations means must do, sigh. At least i have my baby, big bang, shinee, suju to acc me on my lonely trip. :) Coupled with the immense amount of photos i have in my phone, i'm one happy girl. X