I'm not good at handling stress. I admit that. It's the one thing i am so afraid of (apart from frogs and failures altogether), and because of the fear, i don't know how to deal with this stress thing well. And when i'm all stressed out, my mind goes into this whirlwind of negative thoughts and i just shut my brain off. Things that i'm usually good at bubbles away at lightning speed and things that i'm desperately trying to be good at just seems like....impossible to achieve. And then, i'm afraid of failures. Yes, i am my biggest competitor and i cannot afford to lose out. There, i said it. My ego's big like this. Not in everything, but especially studies. I refuse to accept that I've failed for a certain subject and i beat myself up so badly over it. The failure and stress thing just chews away my confidence and happy thoughts and whats not altogether. My stomach becomes empty, my hands become clammy, my gut feels twisted and i just feel like a total train-wreck. It's at least 100 times worser than having my heart broken by some jerk ok. Okay, maybe not but you get the point huh. Times like this i wish that i wasn't allergic to alcohol, cause a cold can of beer would certainly help quench away all the insecurities and fears. Times like this i wish i would somehow, let down my ego and bawl my eyes out in front of my mom, and maybe i would receive some sorta motherly-comfort. Times like this i wish my friends would call me out, comfort me, cheer me up, tell me that everything will be ok (even though most of the time nothing ever gets better). Times like this i wish you were there to see my break down and be at my most vulnerable state, and then a tight hug would suffice. I feel so damn fucking dejected and down and like......argh at an all time low. Seriously man i've never felt like this before. Wendy said, "在学校的打击就留在学校". I am really trying to do this yknow, but i really cannot help it. I just feel like sinking into my dreams and never waking up. You know? Like...dying. Except that i don't wanna get caned when i actually do commit suicide. Or have people mocking me at my funeral with comments like "Alamak so stupid die cause of studies stress". Or have my loved ones crying their hearts out cause of how foolish my actions were. HAIZ see!?!? Want to die also have to consider so much. So how meishan how??? Are you going to pick yourself up or continue to sink into ultimate depression?? Time to stick to your goals man i swear. No more procastination and complacency and whats not. No more whining bout this and that and just leave things to rot without doing concrete actions. TIME TO STEP THE GAME UP BABE. Cmon!!!!! You can do it. Right? Fuck yeah it may be the damn hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. But you are not alone. Right? Haiz dispel all negative thoughts meishan dispel dispel dispel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop wallowing in self pity and fucking get your mind straightened. OK?????
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and not like seeing my baby kissing some older lady on mnet scandal helps :( Almost cried ok!!! :( Now i know how peipei feels, stupid korean shows :(
OKAY MEISHAN POST THIS AND NOT FEEL SAD ANYMORE!! TRY AND SMILE SINCERELY AND GENUINELY THIS TIME OK??? CMON YOU CAN DO IT JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOUUUU
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