OUTLET MALL

Me @7.30pm: 

*googling directions to a premium outlet mall in Tokyo* *scrolling through the store directory whilst trying not to drool*

Will it be too much to drag him out for shopping? To be fair, you can see Mt. Fuji really clearly from the outlet mall too. So........ *twiddles thumb*

Also me, 2 hours later: 

"Do you want to spend half a day* at a premium outlet mall? They have a ton of sports shops** too. Adidas, nike, reebok, puma...you name it."

*conveniently makes the duration an estimate and very vague

**conveniently leaves out the other 200 girl shops that are listed in the directory

BUT to be fair, Mt. Fuji doe. You can really see the mountain clearly from the outlet mall from all the pictures I've been browsing through. Hehe.

MYSELF

Who else still reads this space anymore? 

I've contemplated about deleting the blog some time back, but I just couldn't get around to doing it. For years, it has been an online platform for me to document my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences. Through my many ups and downs, this blog has always been the saving grace of some of the happiest and saddest times of my life.

I've fallen off the writing wagon for awhile now, especially since I've started working. I no longer look forward to recording down the things that make me happy, and would only turn to this space in times of frustration and sadness. I was browsing through my last few posts when I realised that for awhile now, I haven't been truly honest, or happy, with myself.

In fact, I'm starting to not like the Mei Shan today very much. I don't know when, or how, but I've seemed to lost myself along the way. It might be because of this new relationship, or how the inner circle of my life has shifted who knows when, but I feel like I've lost my way in life somehow. I've lost my sense of independence, my control over my own emotions and happiness, and most importantly, my pride. I've lost what it means to be Me.

I've allowed something unplanned to take over my thoughts and emotions, allowing it to dictate how I act and how I feel, and making me feel like my sense of self - my worth - is dependent on it's very outcome. I've tried talking about it - I did, but it's to no avail. I always end up making excuses or hiding the way I truly fail. Truth is, I feel ashamed for letting it take over my life the way it did.

It has nothing to do with its progression, or its status, or anything. It has everything to do with how I have been handling things. Those hours spent thinking about the possible outcomes of something and analysing things to their microscopic form, hours spent worrying about the outcomes of things I cannot control, hours googling "how to deal with xxx" because apparently, I've lost the ability to deal with my own feelings and emotions...hours upon hours, lost. Those times where I could have done something for myself or people around me, but instead, I've wasted it over something that I've allowed to completely take over my life. Lost. I've lost all those time and I've lost my sense of self.

I'm not sure if I have ever felt this way but I am truly, truly, disappointed and upset at myself. And that is probably the root to all that I've been feeling.

I'm not sure how to move on from here, or how to pick myself up, but I guess writing in a neglected space for one - would be a start. 

FORMS

Struggling to complete a performance development assignment and these are the following that I have completed since 12.30am:

1) Showered and washed my hair.
I know, I know, I am a pig who rolls around in her own filth up to the absolute last minute until someone (my brother) goes to the bathroom and I decide that I'm gonna fight the person (my brother) for it. I'm 23. I still don't know why I willingly choose to fight over bathrooms.

2) Opened up the assignment and started on it.
Oh, I also decided to make myself a cup of iced coffee because yknow, what's a better way to screw up your sleeping clock?

3) Opened up the Spotify app.
I thought that having music playing while I work would make me more productive. Apparently my procrastination is immuned to any productivity attempts past 12.30am, because I then proceeded to create a rap/hip-hop playlist on my account and named it Hotline Bling (courtesy of Drake, of course). I have about 39 songs on my playlist right now.

4) More of 2).
I finished my iced coffee. Caffeine effect is slowly kicking in because I am getting turnt up, by myself, in front of a PDF document, with Drake and Big Sean encouraging me in the background. (Blessings is playing right now, if you are curious)

5) Moved on from rap to Mariah Carey.
Best of Mariah Carey, I might add. And googling the lyrics of "We Belong Together" so I can sing the song more accurately. The playlist is currently at "Touch My Body" and I cannot listen to the song with a straight face because all I can picture is that Korean dude singing.

Time check: 2.45am

I'll check back in about 1 hour and hopefully I'll be done by then.

----------------------------------------------------

The above was typed on Friday morning, and here I am on Sunday attempting to finish, yet another incomplete post cause your girl must have knocked the fuck out right after completing the assignment.

Went for my...sixth(?) driving lesson and I am starting to realise that I *miiiiight* have a reckless bone in me when it comes to driving.

*Me at a 2-way stop sign*
*Slowly inching my way forward cause I was just releasing the clutch*
*Instructor slams on the brakes*
Instructor: Eh!!! You can't go yet!!!
Me: Huh?? Why not!
Instructor: *points to a truck and a lorry simultaneously coming from both sides*
Me: Oh ya, I saw that too. I just thought we could miss them if we sped through fast enough ma.
Instructor: .....

Also I was tailgating another learner driver cause he/she turned too slowly at a stop light. Actually, "Alamak 谁叫他转到这样慢!" were my exact words.

*sheepish smile* I know, I know, the nerve of your girl. I'm gonna try and reel it in during my next lesson before karma bites me back real quick.

MONDAY PART 2

...*sheepish smile* heh yeah your neighbourhood alcohol lightweight is back.

I'm realising that it's starting to be a bi-weekly thing if we keep this up, but...okay I have no excuses for any of these. It wasn't as bad the second time round (or as my friend would like to call it, "building alcohol tolerance" lolol), but I did woke up at 3.30am with one heck of an itch. In case you didn't know, I develop rashes for no reason after I drink too much. They either happen on the spot, or continually develop throughout the days after said drinking night. I'd like to think of it as my body rejecting useless liquids but let's face it, this is most likely my body's way of punishing me for making bad decisions on a Monday night.

I remember we started out with 3 bottles of wine (2 white, 1 red) and a tray of beer but somehow it spiralled into shots of whiskey, more cups of gin & tonic than I'd like, along with some cranberry vodka and more beer for good measure. We also did not help ourselves at all by joining the peer pressure fest at the next table, resulting in all of us taking more shots than anticipated.

At one point we were playing 7-Up reverse (I am absolutely shit at this - no one should be reciting the multiplication table past 7pm) and Heart Attack with UNO cards.

Decided to cab home after the following deliberation:

Me: So how? Are we cabbing home? I can take the train la actually.
Colleague: Actually I feel like cab-
Me: OKAY THEN WE CAB.

He laughed at how fast I jumped at the opportunity of cabbing home.

I was pretty much feeling okay up till the moment I entered the cab. After plonking my ass down and going "Okay don't mind me okay I am just going to 很没有形象", I proceeded to kick off my shoes and fetus curl up against the seats. It's really a great image your girl is portraying out there every other Monday night.

I am really dreading waking up in 2 hours' time.

TECHNICIAN

A year older but it doesn't seem to reflect in my sense of humour. This is me during a very serious workshop about Deal Advisory.

Speaker: ...and so the person who is responsible for screwing the bolts onto the engine is called the screw technician.
Me: *pfft* *tries to stifle laughter*
Me: (internally) Get your shit together this is MAJORLY inappropriate to laugh at please do not embarrass yourself this way there is no way in hell you can ever live this down.
Speaker: Can you imagine going home and telling your wife that you are a screw technician?
Me: (internally) Pineapples. Pineapples. Pineapples.

Saying pineapples helps to stifle a sneeze (for me at least), so I was hoping that it might do the same to my erupting laughter.

So yes, 23 but still bearing the sense of humour of a 16 year old. 😂