Kids In Love

Closed lips he was never one to kiss and tell,

Those trips in the summer never went so well

Young love was such dumb love

Call you what you want, it was still enough

And you're still, out of my reach

And you're still, all of the things that I want in my life

How can I ask you to leave me?

- Mayday Parade

Well, not so much on the last sentence but it feels pretty stupid to indulge in feeling like I'm 14 all over again over fleeting glimpses of the past.. Turning 19 in less than 2 weeks time. Makes me wonder what have I accomplished in all 19 years. Have I truly lived life according to carpe diem, which means "seize the day"? Have I loved so hard à la a James Patterson's Sam's Letters To Jennifer till the point of no regret? Have I indulged in something so crazy, so wild and so...free of society's boundaries that I can say I truly feel liberated?

So many questions, to which I know the answer to most would be negative. Too many reservations, too much unnecessary worrying, too selfish to just put myself out there and be liable for whatever potential hurt that may come my way. Too worried of what people might think, too afraid of how silly or ridiculous I might be perceived..

I hate to feel upset, and I don't think I am actually feeling upset. I am feeling...neutral. Neutral enough not to have an emotional range wider than a worm's. Neutral enough not to feel upset, nor truly feel happy with every passing day. Neutral enough that my emotions are stagnant. So stagnant, dengue can start breeding. ......Okay that was a fail attempt at a witty joke.

If I was asked what my problem is, I wouldn't even know what to say. Or where to start from. What DO I actually want? I want to feel happy. But neither am I upset in the first place so how do you return to the tangent, when you have not strayed away in the first place?

Is this post getting depressing? Cause I don't feel depressed at all, swear. It's just...haiya!!

!?

Feeling ultra confused. Why do I seem to meet with an...age-identity crisis every time it's nearing my birthday!? This is not normal. Urgh.

Until I get better..xx